I am up and around a bit more now. Work is still off limits. You would think that with the hours I have been putting in - this would make me happy. It does not. I miss being at the shop. My girl tells me it is because I am a control freak. I find this funny because that describes her much more so than me. I find it incredibly hot. As I find all things about her.
I am still un decided as to what I will do about Gen. Dax and I were out last night. We ran in to my brother. If you can believe it - he apologized. While I am sure that a simple I am sorry I shot you does not suffice - I am still surprised. How ever - as with all things related to my brother - it was not that simple. His attempt at apology came also with warning. A keep off the grass if you will. Stay out of it. It is between him and her. I find this immeasurably funny. Simply because he him self is an intruder. Not part of the original problem so to speak. I some times wonder - while I feel she is more special then any thing else on earth - if some of the trouble they have caused her over the years is due more to rivalry between them all. It is human nature to fight when you see some one else fighting. It is also human nature to want what others want. I wonder if any of them remember the root reason after all these years. What cause first set this insane chase in to motion so long ago. Do they still pursue her with their original intentions in place? Or do they still follow so closely because she is - for all intents and purposes - their shared white rabbit.

I arrived home yesterday after several days in the hospital. We were out running. My girl and I. She likes to trail run. I do not like this due to the seclusion of the location. On occasion I humor her. I am with her. Nothing bad can happen to her. Some one must have told him where we were. He was waiting for us in the middle. Just off the trail. He tried to shoot her. I managed to get in the way. He shot me instead. I do not know what he expected me to do. To my dismay - he knows exactly how I feel about her. Dare I say he seemed surprised over the out come. He under estimated the lengths to which I would go to keep her from harm.
She helped me back to the car and we went to the hospital. After arrival there - I do not remember much. I lost quite a bit of blood. Be for any one asks - no he was not arrested. We agreed to tell the police that it was a mugging. This is not some thing I wish for the police to have a hand in dealing with. I will deal with this my self.
My girl has taken care of me. She stayed with me as much as possible in the hospital. She brought me home. She made sure I was situated. She even made me food. We talked for a long time. I told her I loved her. I explained why I felt this way. I explained in great detail because she has always been convinced that what I feel for her is misplaced. Misrepresented. That I feel awe and respect. I do. And much more.
I finally got what I wanted from her though. She agreed that she did in fact have feelings for me. That she does in fact love me.
But nothing will come of it.
At the moment.

I finally have time to write. This is my first day off in so long. Not a lot is really different. I went through with the purchase of the house in Red Hook. I am now the owner of a two family Victorian home with a huge in ground pool. It does not need much work. It is in fact in pristine condition. However there are things I plan on changing. I took the top floor and would like to rent out the bottom. I have had three people approach me so far about moving in. I would really like to rent it to some one who NEEDS the place. I have enough money. I am not looking to make a killing by bleeding some poor person dry. There are enough out there that do this already.
Ben in on the mend. Again. After his third heart attack things did not look good. We have managed to chain him to his house. This is the only way to prevent the guy from coming in to work. Maleea - Ben's wife has asked me if I wish to but the shop. Ben and I made an agreement two years ago. I would buy the shop. I will not do it until HE is ready. Maleea means well. She only wishes for Ben to relax and get well. I feel Ben is not ready to let go yet. I am fine with that. I have no problem running things for him while he recovers.
Gen continues to be the albatross around my neck. I try to get in a run with my girl most mornings. The shop has made this nearly impossible some days. Last week we made it happen. Gen was waiting at the park for us. He tried to stab my girl. As if I was going to let it happen. He got me instead. Eighteen stitches later - I will not be running for a few weeks.
That is all. I continue to search for new ways to - enjoy myself and new people to enjoy. I met some one a while back but they seem to have lost interest which I find fairly odd. I did get a call from an old 'friend' that truly enjoys staged rape fantasies. I had some thing similar set up with some one but I believe they quietly backed out of it. Carm - my 'friend' is going to be in town in a few days and would like to set some thing up. I will let you know how it goes.

He has done it again. Ruined a nother life. My brother. I wish I could say I was proud. She slipped under the radar. My girl and I - we try to keep track. The stupid people that fall in to his world and then struggle to get out. And fail. We try to help them. Me and my girl. My girl. The only one to ever walk away. I know people would hate me for allowing her to help me. For dragging her back in to his world. But she insists. She is stubborn. She will do what she wants no matter what I have to say about it. So we help them. She says it gives her peace. We were too late to help this girl though. She put a bullet in her head last night. She felt it was her only way out. Away from him. Maybe she was right. No matter how far you go - there is no place truly far enough. And I feel guilty. Though I know there is nothing I could have done. Nothing I could have said. She was too far gone. Too immersed. Yet still I feel badly. I can not save them all. She can not save them all. I know this. I am an intelligent man. It does not stop the guilt. It is a war. Maybe not in the global sense. But it is wide spread. It amuses me how many out there truly have no idea. They do not know what is out there. What lies in wait for the unaware. These things exist. They do not only lurk behind your TV screen and on your dusty book shelves. The live next door to you. Across the street. Beyond town. They are there. And just because you can not see them. Just because you have not had an encounter with them - does not make them any less real. I find most people are blind of their own choosing. They choose not to see these things. If they did see them they would not know what to do. Run? Hide? Pretend they do not exist? Ignore them? I find these are the answers. Most people just do not know how to deal with true evil. They say they do. Then comes the point of no return and they are unable to walk past it. Unable to accept what they have seen. Heard. Strength. This world needs more strength.
I will admit I am a bit drunk. Dax has gone for more beer so I will leave with a single thought. Fight. More people need to open their eyes and fight.

I have a date with the most beautiful girl on earth. My girl. Red and brown shoulder length hair. Liquid brown eyes containing thousands of tiny black shards. Curves to kill for. The most fantastic legs you will ever see on a woman. Attitude in spades. The most intoxicating lips to ever grace a female face. A slim form with well hidden force. A tiny thing that packs one hell of a punch when needed. She is the perfect mix of heaven and hell. She is both my Angel and my demon. Both light and dark.
And I say she is my girl. But she is not. Not yet any way.
She has agreed to go to a party with me. A mutual friend of ours. Her ass hole will be away. It is not a date. I must correct my self be fore I make her sound like a cheating whore. It is two friends attending a party together. To her. To me it is more. It is a rare chance to spend an uninterrupted evening with the most amazing human being alive. Do I dream about taking it further than that? Do I dream about kissing those lips? Yes. But it is her move to make. I know it will not happen any time soon. She needs to see what I see. That he does not love her. Does not appreciate her. Does not see her for what she truly is. So I wait. For her I am willing to wait through out time it self.
He tells her that I am garbage. I am trying to use her. Of course he does. He may not see her clearly. He may not be as madly in love with her as I am - but he is no fool. He knows she is smart. That eventually she will see that I am the right choice. As I have said be fore. He can not even be bothered fighting for her. A girl like her could incite a war. SHOULD incite a war. And what does he do? One childish email threat. If I were him I would kill me. If he loved her one tenth of what I do - I would not fault him that. Were it not for her insistence that she loved him - I do not know what I would do.
We went for a run in the park today. The weather is warming now. It was nice. Some thing was bothering her. I asked but she would not tell me. She cut our run a bit short. I know she feels some thing for me. I can see it as I can see her. I know her. Better at times then she knows her self. I will wait.

So I finally got one of her her favorite bands to record the two songs I wrote for her. Of course she was not happy. So she says. I think she was. I think it made her happy. She tried not to smile. But It was there. A small quirk of the lip. It is so fucking hot how she tries so hard not to smile at me. The top right corner of her lip twitching as she chews on the bottom left corner. It is that - that makes it all worth it.

FOR YOU

In you I saw
The soul of a warrior
You saved everyone
But yourself
I saw something
That sparked a flame in me
Something that chased away the dark
You make the ice melt
And to you I say it
As I silently scream your name
I want to save you

I will scream in the face of hell
For you
I would battle the fire inside
I will stand till the end of all time
With you
Devotion won't ever die
Turn my back on this life if you asked
Me to
From you I will not hide
I will slay your demons down
So you
Won't ever have to hide

I see your two faces
Both so beautiful
Both so tragic
They kill me slowly
Because I can see through you
I know your soul
The darkness and the light that lay beneath
I would kill for the chance
To die for you
As I scream silently you name
I want to have you

I will walk through the fires of hell
For you
I would battle the beast inside
I will remain till the end of all time
With you
My devotion will never die
I Turn my back on this life if you ask
Me to
From you I can not hide
I will slay your demons down
So I ask of you
Please don't hide


BETTER INTENTIONS

You Surprised me
Shook my world to the core
You're very smile takes me places that I've never been before
You see right through me
Caved in all my walls
You've broken in and and set up shop while I've started taking falls

And that was never your intention
I knew it all along
I'm falling hard and crashing and that's the reason for this song
If I thought you happy
If I thought it right to do
I'd walk away and let you be
Though I want to be with you

You Make the sun shine
The stars finally come out at night
You've stepped inside and pulled me out - made it all alright
You made me change
In to a better man
I've swallowed pride and stepped on up to do the best I can

Yet that was never your intention
I knew it all along
I'm falling hard and crashing and that's the reason for this song
If I thought you happy
If I thought it right to do
I'd walk away
I'd let you be
Even though I know
You're much better off with me

Someday you will see
So much better off with me

I wonder how long this can go on. This push and pull between Gen and I. I am by no means a good person. No saint. But I do not actively try to stop him. At least I have not in some time. I dubbed it pointless. I am torn. As usual. I know. I tend to whine about my past regrets and my misplaced and some what twisted sense of loyalty to a monster that shares not only my blood but my face.
We met for a beer the other night. I only agreed to it because of comments he made about Ben. If that makes it sound like he has me over a barrel - it is because he does. I do not for a minute believe any threat that comes from his lips is idle. A passing comment is just as good as a threat from him. Of course he knows this. And uses it. Constantly. We have a few beers. All very normal for a bit. Then he starts in. He always does. Why I hold out any kind of hope for a different out come I will never know. I know first hand what a bastard he is. Even if he were to change now it would never erase what he has done. Nothing could erase what he has done. Some days I feel it is almost my responsibility to stop him. To put an end to his distorted ways. I find my self laying in the dark wondering if I should. If I even could. Then I try to figure out exactly how much of a bastard it all makes me when I sit here and do nothing. In my defense - any one who is a twin will tell you - there is some thing there. It is not some mystical bond that brings us closer together. I do not feel when he is hurt or in trouble. There is some thing though and I can not put it any other way then to say as I always have. He is as much a part of me as I am of him. If I crown him a monster so must I crown my self. And I find my self going on now. This is why I do not stay at home and drink alone. I make no sense. I believe I will see if I can not find a suitable distraction.

So our night tow guy quit. This means I am on call more than I would like. I can not say I like this. I do how ever like Ben. I do it for him. He has always gone out of his way for me. I have no other course than to do the same. Thankfully on call still leaves me time to have a life. Some of my hobbies I can take with me. That has proven interesting.
Gen saw me on the side of the road this after noon. He pulled over of course. Why would he pass up the chance to annoy the shit out of me? He was friendly. Normal. At first. By the time I had the truck hitched Gen was spouting how I was a disgrace and should suck it up. Do what needs to be done. The problem with any fanatic - religious or other wise - is that they are ever present. If I were to take it upon my self - and do not think I have not entertained the idea - to slit his throat - some one new would appear in his place. I am a horrible brother. I will no doubt go to the very bottom levels of hell. But this I do not mind. As long as I can take him with me. Take him away from this world. Away from my girl. He still obsesses over her. I can not bring my self to hurt him. Not to save a thousand others that I know he will some day harm. For her though I have considered it. But again - some one else would take his place. Before him it was another. And so on. It does not end. We are involved in some thing from which there is no escape. I find my self looking in the mirror each day. Some days I truly struggle to see the difference between Gen and my self. Some days I do not want to see the difference. Some days I want to believe I am just like him. It would be so much easier. It could wash away all the guilt. And then she looks at me. Those beautiful brown black eyes filled with a confidence I will never quite understand. I do not deserve her trust. And yet I have it. It has pulled me from the very edge. Time and time again. If she believes I am different from Gen then I must be. She who is my voice of reason. The angel that stays always perched upon my shoulder. She IS my conscious. She gives to me a peace I have never before known. While at the same time can incite such rage that it scares even me. Should any one ever hurt her again. Should any one speak ill of her - out of turn - I could see my self killing them. She has suffered enough. I swore to her no one would ever hurt her again. I will make sure it is a promise I keep. I told Gen this today. He laughed. We will see.

Two in a row. Break out the fireworks. I felt the need to vent. So here I am again. I went down to Zodiac to get my Tongue re-done. It closed up about a year ago and my girl mentioned how cool she thought it was. I get down there. Ken pokes a hole through my tongue. Done and walk out the door. Right? Wrong. Ken must have told Gen I was going down. Shock of fucking shocks. Guess who walks in as I am leaving. We had a large blow out over the week end. He says he came to apologize. I know this is bullshit. Gen has never apologized to a living soul as long as he has been alive. I humor him. Sure. You are sorry? OK. We are cool. I will be on my way now. Right? Wrong again. Stupid fuck never knows when to put it to bed. Of course I am just as stupid. We go for a drink. I want to believe he is sorry. That there is no alternative reason for him being there. I know better. I am not a foolish man. I do at times live in an alternate reality apparently. Mid way through the fifth beer he starts. I know the signs. Voice gets louder. Fingers start flexing. The vein that resides mirror image on both our necks begins to protrude from his skin. Then there are the subtle signs. The ones that only I will know. Slight narrowing of his right eye. Gnawing on the inside of his bottom lip. Eyes darting from corner to corner to see just who might be listening. Then come the words. The poison. He needs not worry about people over hearing. People would only think he is crazy. Partly because he is. I just have no wish for him to drag me down in to his craziness. Yet every day it feels closer to inevitability.

It is an angry day. Some times - on days like this - I feel the old itch of my temper. Pulsating numbly at my finger tips. My brother tries to control me. He tries to drag me in to his life. Kicking and screaming. This angers me. What angers me more though is that some days I want to let him. Some days I am too tired to continue this fight. I feel the only anchor I have to a world out side of my brothers is her. My girl. She is the one thing I will never grow tired of fighting for. It is on days that I feel nudged to give in that I must remember to think of her. To remind myself of why I am here. For her. Who would look after her if I were not able? Certainly not the guy she is with. She is deathly allergic to bees. The entire back side of her house is covered in them. This is where she must go to walk her dogs. Do you think he would do some thing to get rid of the fucking things? No. I had to do it. He does not seem to care that she never sleeps. She is always on edge. She does not eat well. Some days - I want nothing more than to bash his head in.

It has been a long few weeks. Every time I feel like I have gained an inch - I seem to lose a mile. With Work. With my family. Most importantly with my girl. Work has been slow. Ben has been talking about closing down. Understandable. It is happening to quite a few out there. My brother continues to be a thorn in my side. No. Not a thorn. An over sized fork. A large one. And my girl. My girl. My girl who is NOT my girl. She went with me to the vets a few days ago. I have a squirrel. My girl wanted me to call him Foamie. After some internet cartoon or something. It was cute. It fit. She absolutely adores him. Even if I hated the fuzzy bastard I would have kept him for that reason alone. Actually I like him though. We were at the vets and we talked. A long talk. She will not say but I can see it. She feels some thing for me. I can see it in her eyes. She continues to grow distant from the asshole she is with. He is such a fool. He has to see this and yet he does nothing. I should feel bad. I should try to help her fix things with him. She really believes that is what she wants. Yet I know better. I know her soul better than she does. I can see it. She belongs with me. I can feel this. I know this much the same way I know I am human. That asshole continues along thinking he does every thing for her. He neglects the most important things. He does not see how amazing she is. He takes every part of her for granted. Some one like that does not deserve some thing like her.
I could never take for granted having her in my life.
Well this rambling is fairly pointless. Dax and I are off to the bar.

I find myself once again drowning in my brothers world. This is some thing I can never escape. I turn away. When I look back it is still there. Still waiting. Like a bad penny - it always turns up. How can I fit with my new life when the old one is never far from hand? How can I hope to shield my girl from this when it is always there. Lurking. Waiting for us both.
I went to the bar with Gen last night. It was one of the few nights I have seen him act with a some what human nature. Of course he brings Andi with him. That never ends well. The stupid bitch thrives on trouble. I see this more so when it involves my brother and I. At the end of the night Gen tried to leave with her but she informs him she would rather go home with me. I was drunk and I was tired. I was in no mood for a debate on which twin is the better fuck. I have told her I am no longer interested in fucking any thing that walks. There is only one I want. Did that stop me from taking her home and fucking her like she was the last thing with tits on earth?
No.
I can and will acknowledge that I am a dirt bag. It is not like I wanted it to come to that. In part I believe I did it to anger Gen. He has no feelings for Andi but it enrages him when he does not get what he wants. I know she would have eventually gone with him had I refused in the end. So will I use that as my excuse? I feel like I have cheated. Never in my life have I felt like that. There has never been any one worthy of my faithfulness. In part - in the back of my head - I also believe it keeps her safer if my brother sees me with others. He is aware of my fondness for her but thinks it to be nothing more than a passing obsession. If he was to think I had given up sex until I could finally be with her - I do not know what he would do to her. If he knew how strong a hold she had on me - Should I even feel guilty? She is with some one else. I do not delude my self in to thinking she sleeps in the same bed as him with nothing more. Does she feel as bad as I do when she fucks him? I know she says she loves him but I also know there are feelings in her heart for me. She can deny it but I can see them there. I can see through her like no one else can.

She is the reason I take every breath. The reason I still walk this earth.


Shinedown
If you only knew

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned


It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that wen't wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent


It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

My aunt Jade raised me. I will not tell you the woman was a saint. She was not. I do believe that she did love me. As much as it was possible for her to love. She was always a cold woman. I look back and compare my childhood to that of my brothers. Dare I speak out of line? I never met my father - or my mother. Jade never spoke of my mother but she did tell me of my father. She told me what a twisted and evil man he was. How he had done terrible things to people. She would wonder how my mother survived him. When hearing these stories - so did I. Can I really blame Gen for the way he has turned out? My girl is a big fan of the nature / nurture debate. I can not say what I believe. On one hand take me. I was not raised like my brother. I would not be surprised to find out he was locked in a basement or closet. Unfed and knee deep in shit. I had a home. I was fed and clothed. Upon Jades death I found out about Gen. Upon meeting him I almost turned into him. I did horrible things. Things that might have made my father proud. Things I would never do today. But Gen? Gen was raised like - and turned into an animal. As a child I imagine that he pulled the wings off of ants and stuck firecrackers up frog asses. So is it our nature to be violent? Am I fighting what I truly am in vain? I know my brother is as evil - if not more so than my father. He would undoubtedly be proud of him. While what I have done will never match my brother - it is still defined as evil in my eyes. I DO have a violent streak. I do not indulge it like my brother. Not anymore. However it is still there. I have tried to help my brother. Is it his fault? I make no excuses. Whose fault it is changes nothing. He still does what he does. He still feels no remorse. He destroys lives and there can be no excuse for that. Still I find myself wondering. Will that some day be me? Will his illness come to infect me? I sometimes fear that I am a danger to those around me because of the blood that flows through my veins. If I cared would I not stay away? It is questions such as this that make me fear I will one day become like him.

I fear I am letting hope get the better of me. Each day I find myself in a better mood. Happier. She responds often when I text. She takes my calls most of the time. And she asked me a question. I have told her how I feel - obviously. She has finally asked me why. This may not seem like a big deal to most men. To me though - I can see it for what it is. A bone. If she did not care at all why would she inquire such a thing? She asked me why it is I feel the way I do. What makes her the target of my affections. She said that - the target of my affections. Is that not adorable? She asked me not to answer right away but to think. Really think and I have. My answer will be this -
You are the reason for who I am. Not what I am but who. Your presence in my life has made me into a better man. A man that strives to be better with each passing day. For you. I can see you for what you truly are. Extraordinary. You are wild and yet you are grounded. You are the bravest soul I have encountered as well as the most stubborn. Yes I admire and respect how far you have come but I also see what it has cost you. I know what you have overcome. Your laugh sends shivers throughout my entire being. When you speak I find myself entranced by your most mundane words. You are passionate about so many things. Your writing. Your family. The few you honor by calling friend. I both love and hate your loyalty to a man who does not see your value. If I were him I would kill me. I would fight to keep you because losing you would mean my end. You are all these things and so many more. You are also afraid. Afraid to let the world see who you truly are. I do not understand this. I see these things in you - I see YOU. He does not. He can not. I know I am both wrong and right and I am sorry.

I can not complain about my day yesterday. My girl agreed to meet me for lunch. I know it had more to do with information I have been gathering for her. That is fine. I got to spend the time with her and this is all I care about. I can see the conflict in her eyes now. She still says she loves him. Yet I find her talking to me more every day. I hate that this is so hard for her. She deserves to be happy. With me of course. I know I should not love her. In the past I hurt her - badly. Maybe even unspeakably. I have been trying to make amends - to show her that I am not the same man. She has agreed. I have changed. I have sworn that no one will ever hurt her again like I did. I have - for the most part - kept my word. Now all that remains her for her to give me a chance. I am willing to spend the rest of my days proving myself to her. No test is to much.

It has been awhile. I am still out here. Still kicking. Things with my brother are still tense. I know in my soul that they always will be. As of today - my girl has been married to that ass for twelve years. Should that not be enough to realize he is not right? One would think. I will dare to jinx myself. I will dare to say that I think she is starting to see. On some level at least. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Roll your runes. Cast the bones. I won't give up.

Drown You Out

Today was unexpected
Nothing here is how I left it
Each day that passes by just seems to feed the lie
Closing in around me makes it so hard to see
Now I'm standing on the ledge
My foot creeps closer to the edge
Freinds all know what to say
To make me puish them away
What they can't know about me makes it so hard to see

I'm not holding my tongue for you anymore
I'll scream so loud til I drown you out
Now you can't hold me down anymore
I'll scream so loud til I drown you out

So mamy days of silence
Too many destructive ways to vent
I hope they set something free
Didn't know they were out to kill me
Today I'll turn it all around
Pick myself up off the ground
Sweat all the sickness out
Force all the demons down
Stand up and set it straight
Get it right before it's too late
For now I'm feelin fine
Left all the pain behind
It's time to live my life
I finally got it right

I can still taste the words on my tongue sayin we're okay
But when I raise my head up to see the darker side that isn't me
So now I raise my hands up so tired of giving in
throw this all away and start again